Unfortunately, this is not one of those well-organized written expressions with a select viewpoint or theme for my readers. This will likely turn out to be random expressions of trapped chaos corroding the inside of my vessel and this release will hopefully prevent my spirit from imploding without warning.
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Many things are unfolding, some quickly and others dangerously slow. Feelings, desires, and dreams that were once clear now feel uncertain and foreign. Some may even say lackluster when compared to the conviction which once expelled vibrantly from the tip of my tongue.
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I’ve been a visionary my entire life, always knowing what I was after, always fearful of the consequences of not fighting hard enough. Seemingly always at the disadvantage, but that somehow fueled the thrill and adventure. You see, as the underdog, there’s only one direction you can travel, and that’s up.
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Usually, a simple pause to reflect and collect my thoughts would be enough to be recentered and adjusted for alignment. However, after more than two decades of fighting, overcoming, failing, and thriving, it requires more than a moment to remember and recognize who I am, what I’m running from, and who I’m trying to become.
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Is [The] dream still [My] dream?
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Crazy, right? Maybe a little insane…to have reached this point in life only to question what has felt like purpose and direction for an entire lifetime, right?
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Where is the spark? Where is the electricity? Where is the razzle dazzle that once offered illuminance and an insatiable aura undeniable even in sleep form?
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Perhaps, this is just a moment where anxiety is spiking and triggering my evolution with patience. Maybe, I’m placing such tremendous focus in not stressing or worrying that I am in fact stressing and worrying. Doesn’t that sound appealing?
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Truthfully, I still struggle with wanting things [now] especially when I’ve put in the work, made sacrifices, prayed for approval, and left feeling confident I walked the right path to earn it. Moreover, it’s unsettling when many prayers rely on the birth of one dream deferred.
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Everything is linked, just like that song we learned in elementary school…my hip bone is connected to my knee bone…or whatever Ms. Reed said.
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What gives me the ick is wanting something simple [peace] and learning how all the interconnected layers [financial solvency, career advancement, stability, fulfillment, happiness, and love] some beyond my control, are holding me back from relaxation and a calm state of mind.
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Regrettably, more than 2/3 of my life has been spent fighting for and working toward a dream [peace] and yet I’m left feeling as though the journey has just begun. How exhausting, right?
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Pardon me, I took a moment to laugh and expel my frustration and the pity I selfishly suppressed to keep me humble and human-like.
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It’s normally a strange space I navigate of providing myself grace and empathy while fighting the urge to feel disgusted and unamused by the sensitivity of my thoughts [concerns]. As a child I knew this life would be difficult and unrelenting… as a child I thought the reward would be those simple layers of peace.
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Now I’m an adult living in my truth…far away from simplicity…far away from being done.
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Well, cheers to everyone out there still fighting, persevering, and conquering… may we all find nirvana once the dust settles.
Timely words. Every day is another day of possibilities for those that dream.
May the dreamers and fighters live on forever!
Sometime the dream feels exactly what it is. Sometime things feel as if you would only succeed at it in your dreams. Losing hope, your vision, the purpose, sometimes everything yourself, but tomorrow can always be the day your dreams come to reality.
This is why it’s always important to keep fighting. Do what you need to regroup, get back up, and keep pressing forward! Tomorrow could be your miracle!